Wait for gate

Au. Oui. De france. Han sang på fransk. Med tuba og gitar. Jeg slukte gratis champagne og rødvin. Lengtet etter noe annet enn situasjonen jeg satt i. Jeg satt feil vei og det irriterte meg. Personen som var plassert ved siden av meg var en stille mann. Han lukket vinduet og utsikten min. Vi var i himmelen og han lot meg ikke se. Jeg så på kartet og kjente en tåre på kinnet. Det så bra ut til 1930-talls musikken de spilte i bakgrunnen av verden. Men jeg så ikke bra ut. Som en skuffet 3 år gammel gutt. Avstanden ble lengre og lengre. Jeg snudde meg med lukkede øyne tilbake i klemmen jeg hadde ligget i for noen timer siden. Frysninger. Jeg hadde ikke hatt tid til noe annet enn å ha det bra. Skrev postkortene på flyplassen langt fra en eneste postkasse. Heldigvis kunne en servitør poste de. Jeg tipset henne 8 dollar, styrtet to store glass hvitvin og løp motsatt vei enn det jeg ville.

I went to school today. But as I walked up the stairs, there was no way I wanted to stay. My mind played with me. Woke me up and had a laugh. I said hi to the office lady, signed in and went out in the street again. Thought for a minute. No clear thoughts. Bad girl. Filled with restlessness. All dressed up. And where to go? I needed this. I think. But I was far away from the power of my mind. Alone. I started to walk after the sun.
I went to a little expensive café. Sat down for a smoke and free newspapers. Ordered a beer. 09:15. Early. No breakfast. I was hungry, but again – there was no way I was going to eat. My language was spoken around me. I was thorn, thinking both it was comfortable and stupid. I watched them eating their “healthy” breakfast with bread, jam and beer. They looked like a boring business group, and I was right. The men in the group were looking at me. The women were thinking “What’s up with that little girl?” Maybe I looked sad. I don’t know. I left leaving the cute bartender girl a huge tip. Thinking I wanted to spend more money. I went to a shopping mall I have never been to before. So many nice clothes. I had my buy of the fall. A perfect scarf. And a dark blue boyish sweater. So comfy. I had to stop spending money, so I went to the movies. I love going to the cinema alone. I saw a movie I know my boyfriend wanted to see. I thought we might see it together sometime. But he isn’t here.
It was one of these supposed to be funny Hollywood blockbusters. It wasn’t so bad. I actually laughed a couple of times. And almost cried at the end. But that’s nothing special, I can cry for a leaf falling. Anyway. The movie didn’t do it for my spending money craving, so I went out to spend some more.. Tried on a lot of jeans. I’m a size 25, whatever that means to people. For me it means I’m as slim as I was ten years ago. When I was 14. Is that good? Is that bad? It’s good. Of course it’s good.
Around five I had to eat to my own disappointment. It always happens around that time. I get hungry. So bad. Like a wolf. I walked quickly to one of my favorite cafes. They have the best Fettuccine with beef, red peppers and cherry tomatoes. It was a lot of people there, but as always, when a lonely girl walks in the bartender payes extra attention. Like he wanted to eat with me and have sex with me afterwards attitude. It was actually weird with this place. I had been her many times in my life. With best friends, ex-friends, ex-boyfriends and my boyfriend - the love of my life. And now I was alone. My boyfriend. That isn’t here. When he left, I don’t know.. I like being alone. But not being happy alone. I like being sad alone. Some people just can’t be alone on a Saturday evening. They must be afraid of them selves.

I finished my beer. I was sick of all the food I ate and was longing for a smoke.