He said you're really an ugly girl.

I went to school today. But as I walked up the stairs, there was no way I wanted to stay. My mind played with me. Woke me up and had a laugh. I said hi to the office lady, signed in and went out in the street again. Thought for a minute. No clear thoughts. Bad girl. Filled with restlessness. All dressed up. And where to go? I needed this. I think. But I was far away from the power of my mind. Alone. I started to walk after the sun.
I went to a little expensive café. Sat down for a smoke and free newspapers. Ordered a beer. 09:15. Early. No breakfast. I was hungry, but again – there was no way I was going to eat. My language was spoken around me. I was thorn, thinking both it was comfortable and stupid. I watched them eating their “healthy” breakfast with bread, jam and beer. They looked like a boring business group, and I was right. The men in the group were looking at me. The women were thinking “What’s up with that little girl?” Maybe I looked sad. I don’t know. I left leaving the cute bartender girl a huge tip. Thinking I wanted to spend more money. I went to a shopping mall I have never been to before. So many nice clothes. I had my buy of the fall. A perfect scarf. And a dark blue boyish sweater. So comfy. I had to stop spending money, so I went to the movies. I love going to the cinema alone. I saw a movie I know my boyfriend wanted to see. I thought we might see it together sometime. But he isn’t here.
It was one of these supposed to be funny Hollywood blockbusters. It wasn’t so bad. I actually laughed a couple of times. And almost cried at the end. But that’s nothing special, I can cry for a leaf falling. Anyway. The movie didn’t do it for my spending money craving, so I went out to spend some more.. Tried on a lot of jeans. I’m a size 25, whatever that means to people. For me it means I’m as slim as I was ten years ago. When I was 14. Is that good? Is that bad? It’s good. Of course it’s good.
Around five I had to eat to my own disappointment. It always happens around that time. I get hungry. So bad. Like a wolf. I walked quickly to one of my favorite cafes. They have the best Fettuccine with beef, red peppers and cherry tomatoes. It was a lot of people there, but as always, when a lonely girl walks in the bartender payes extra attention. Like he wanted to eat with me and have sex with me afterwards attitude. It was actually weird with this place. I had been her many times in my life. With best friends, ex-friends, ex-boyfriends and my boyfriend - the love of my life. And now I was alone. My boyfriend. That isn’t here. When he left, I don’t know.. I like being alone. But not being happy alone. I like being sad alone. Some people just can’t be alone on a Saturday evening. They must be afraid of them selves.

I finished my beer. I was sick of all the food I ate and was longing for a smoke.